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How I knew I was beyond help

Updated: Jan 21, 2023

No one liked me. Not even God. So I thought I wasn't worthy of being alive. It was a multi-thread piece that attacked my worthiness from every direction possible. I didn't think I was liked by kids, I wasn't liked by adults, and I didn't belong at Church. There was no room for argument. in the back of my mind there was a logical argument silently battling its way through my psyche until it had me believing that I was completely unworthy of love, joy, God and everything life can offer.

I went to Church with my parents until they let me make that decision for myself. I left as soon as they would let me. I thought the kids hated me. It was during this time that I developed the belief that I was inherently broken, God had turned away from me and that I didn’t belong anywhere. I thought that since the kids at church didn't like me, God didn't like me. Pretty sure that happens to a lot of people...I found pain instead of hope, rejection instead of love. Criticism instead of acceptance. I heard the preacher say God was about hope love and acceptance, but I found the opposite. So I left…determined to make a way regardless of what they said. I went looking for an honest God, one that wasn’t an hypocrite and would either love me as I am or teach me how to be lovable.

I thought it might have something to do with the fact that I was nervous about everything. Everyone I met had this ease and comfort about them. I was amazed by them and ashamed of myself. I could see that they were annoyed or disgusted with my inability. Why can everyone seem to relax and enjoy life when I couldn’t seem to make it? I knew at any moment I would be put in a situation that would be impossible to endure and I would fail again. I couldn’t get people to like or include me no matter what I did and they all seemed to be liked and included without any effort. The only conclusion I could make was that everyone had figured it out, I was outside the herd, and had to earn my way back in. And this was the lens i saw the world through. Everything fit, everything made sense in that framework.

Now I know this from a completely different point of view. I organize it in my mind like this: I have alcoholism which has two parts: The mental component and the physical phenomenon of craving. The mental component as it works in my mind is perfectly described by the DSM diagnosis for Borderline Personality Disorder. I know that I must treat both to stay emotionally and mentally fit.

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