The holidays are tough for me. Fireworks on New Year's are my personal celebration that the holidays are over. NY Resolutions have never lasted for me so I gave them up awhile ago. This year feels different. I really have turned a corner. I really am starting something new. And it's not because we have entered a new calendar year. It is because God has been working a thing in me and I have reached a level of clarity that makes it even easier to focus on the truth.
The truth has set me free. I am free because I am not afraid. I am not afraid because I know Jesus is my safety net. So I can worship freely in church, I can be bold in my art, I can sing without fear of being judged. Because if I am rejected or if I fall, Jesus will catch me.
I float through a day or two and then one morning I wake up and it's gone. My chest is full of anxiousness, my heart speeds up and that familiar feeling that something is VERY wrong moves back in. I habitually replay the last few days (a habit I picked up while I was drinking and acting crazy while in a black out) and remember that I am still sober, I haven't fought with my husband, my animals are fine and nothing is really going on. I realize it's just anxiety and instead of obsessing on what I need to do to make the anxiety go away, I insist on going about my day.
It's frustrating but it's progress.