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20 hours without anxiety

Yes, it was a miracle. From 1030 am yesterday to 530 AM today. Oh so nice. That might be a record. For longer than a moment I felt like there was nothing wrong in my world that I had any control over. And I didn't even miss it. I knew something was different in a good way but didn't think about it at all because I knew I would over think and destroy this good thing. All I knew was that something bad had lost the battle for me and was just so very grateful. I went to my guitar lesson without any shame about the inadequate amount of practice (shame has a gnarly root ball...that will take awhile to unravel). I chose to spend the day with my hubby instead of work in the studio. We took care of a bunch of errands that had piled up. It was fabulous.

Just two days earlier, we were in a little financial jam which had me questioning myself and my ability to hear God's suggestions. Then, as God does, He showed up in a big way (that story deserves it's own post) and solved several problems by suggesting to me that I trade in my car. It solved a lot of problems for us and for a few others. After all, it is His money.

And then I woke up this morning, nothing out of the ordinary, and then the bomb of fear consumed my chest. It even took a second for me to realize what was happening. First I realized how familiar it was and how distant it had been and the disappointment and the shame for letting it happen. I went through this whole process in a heartbeat. One hard, fear consumed, beat of my heart was all it took from me going from a peaceful feeling of well being to fear that everything is wrong, it is my job to fix it and I don't know how. Wow. Crash and burn. It was worth it but just by a hair.

And then I remembered. I have this fabulous friend who told me to read Job the last time I had tried to guilt her into coming to my pity party. It was her way of saying "quit feeling sorry for yourself. You have no idea how good you have it". I came to a paradox in my thinking. I either had to believe that God cares for me and provides all I need or believe that I have no protection from Satan. Even David had to show up to slay the giant. I am not a victim. When Satan shows up to try and pull me away from God, I can stand and face him and fight back. I need God's help, of course. But I don't need to hide behind his skirt and wait for him. I have been given the power to tell Satan to get out in the name of Jesus. I have that power. And I wouldn't if I didn't believe that God provides all I need and cares for me. That is the direct relationship. The more I lean in and surrender taking care of everything to Jesus, the more I can trust that He will defend me or show up in some creative and unique way.

Now I know how it really feels. It's better than I imagined. And I hope you get to feel it too...

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