Last night I dreamt of my mother who has passed away and her mother who also has passed. There are a lot of emotions around both of them. God must have some big plans for me because a dream about one of them is enough to send me on an emotional ride that would funk me for days. Both of them in one dream? Seriously, God? I have been saying that a lot lately.
I'm getting better at this...I knew that I needed to take this to God before I did anything. Even before I made coffee or peed. And I did. The truth is that now I WANT to do this differently. This is the kind of thing that would make me want to start blaming God and feeling sorry for myself. As usual, my conversation with God started out clumsy and with a lot of distraction/bringing myself back. But after awhile I stayed focused. I told God that I really did want to make the right choices according to His will, not mine. I asked Him to guide me through this and to show me what He was trying to get me to see. I meant it.
Then I proceeded to make coffee and, well, you get it. And it hit me. A big wave of guilt hit me hard. I remembered that when I was really young, some terrible things happened to my cousins while I was there and I felt guilty for not stopping it. I was the oldest cousin, after all. I shared it with my husband and he reminded me that I was just a kid and I couldn't have protected them. I'm not sure exactly how old I was but I was definitely of a young age where I was too young to even know what to do to protect them.
I was stunned. I didn't realize that I felt guilt around that. When the wave began to withdraw, I could see that I had been carrying that guilt for a very long time and didn't even know it. I discussed my "game plan" with my husband, asking him to remind me of any tools I had forgotten. Basically, I had given it over to God and I needed to leave it there. My husband reminded me that I also have a place I can go to talk thru this with other people who are a lot like me and we made a decision to get me to that place as soon as we could.
I feel like I dodged a bullet this morning. I could have taken myself into a very dark place had I chosen to go the old route. I could have blamed God and felt sorry for myself. Instead, I chose to trust in God and hand it over to Him to handle. I still don't know how to take credit because God is behind everything good. But I also am very proud of the changes I am actively participating in, letting him make in me. I am so deeply loved by my Maker. There is no denying it.